English: There, here and over there. Basically, in a sense, to mean restless. A collection of thoughts, musings and ramblings...

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

In the never ending search for L.O.V.E.

"What you want is a real relationship. Finding love is akin to buying a car, and what you want - the 'One', is the Mercedes-Benz. Your looks are like cash in your pocket. And at the moment, you haven't accumulated enough cash to get the Mercedes-Benz."

Those were the words of my good friend Herbert a.k.a. Pooya while giving me advice on one of the most important things my heart longs for. A relationship. Unconditional love. Someone to watch movies with, hold hands with, share my innermost thoughts with, laugh hard with, etc etc. I can't help but envy the happy couples that seem to be everywhere around me. When is it my turn to be happy? Will the day every come? Don't get me wrong. I don't NEED a guy. Look at me, I have everything I need - a house, a car, a job, a great life, family and friends. But it is something I want, and as someone pointed out, a little too much :-p

What Herbert did say was that I have all the basics - the height, the face, the poise, the brains..... but what I was losing out on was the physical attractiveness part. In other words, I am just too fat. Wow! I am too unattractive for love because I am a 'big' girl? Well, actually... not really a newsflash since the only guys I have been able to attract enough to have a date with lately (apart from the really brave, flirty ones) are the ones on online dating sites who are unable to see me from waist down (or even neck down) :-p

People who know my story would know what a carwreck my lovelife has been. My first ever boyfriend got me pregnant at the age of 19, and turned out to be a selfish bastard who abuses mentally and physically when he didn't get his way. My next boyfriend was a long distance one. Even though we were 'together' for over 2 years, sharing long emails about everything under the sun, it isn't as satisfying as having someone close by to share things with. In the end, he never came to visit me and chose his job, his personal assets (like his T.V.!) over visiting me. I guess I was never good enough for him. Since then, dated some through online dating sites, had some good ones, but the problem is always and always distance. So I quit the online dating site in the hopes of scoring a better chance with locals. Except that they are always shorter than me. Hey, I have a problem with being a giant next to a guy, ok?? But back to the topic, it almost feels like I have never been in a 'real' relationship. What I had was:- 1. a prison warden and 2. a beautiful dream.

And so... armed with advice from the Love Doctor, I have been working hard at tweaking my image to be more attractive, even though frankly, I am comfortable with myself! He even suggested me to read a copy of The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene. I have read some pages of it, found it very interesting, though I can't ever view myself as Cleopatra. Anyway, Cleopatra wasn't a 30 year old. At that time, being that age was probably already the point of no return.

Back to my image restructuring. Wish me luck!


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